Hi Sh!,

I need some advice. My boyfriend found my vibrator and got really upset - he says using it is “basically cheating” and that I shouldn't need it if I’m satisfied with him. I’m confused and honestly a bit hurt. I use it when I’m alone, not instead of being with him. Is it really that wrong to masturbate in a relationship? What do you think? Thanks.

Hey,

Oh wow - we are so sorry. There is a lot of stuff to unpack here.

How did your boyfriend find your vibrator? Did you forget to put it away, or was he snooping through your drawers? Forgetting to stash a sex toy away happens to all of us, but snooping through your private stuff is not ok... Either way, the vibe belongs to you and has nothing to do with him unless you want to share the experience.

It seems he was labouring under the assumption that he owned your pleasure. Discovering the vibe has taught him a valuable lesson - he doesn't own your orgasms. You do.

Clearly, he feels that his masculinity is threatened, but what is it about your vibrator that he's worried about?

Boyfriend Threatened By Sex Toy?

Does your sex toy have a shaft for vaginal pleasure? Is the shaft longer and thicker than your bf's dique? We know this is a super-crude question, but most men have been conditioned to think that bigger is better, so he may feel floored by this "proof" that he's "too small" for satisfying sex. This doesn't mean you have to buy a smaller sex toy (absolutely not!), but his confidence may have taken a knock.

If it's a clitoral vibe, there is no logical reason for him to feel threatened. There is nothing about a clit toy that can even remotely be seen as "instead of" - it's a plaything.

Whatever type of toy you have, he needs to check himself.

The orgasm gap is a very real disparity between couples in the bedroom, especially in straight relationships. Biology has made it easier for men to get their sexual rocks off, whereas women are often left behind. Vibrators can help close that gap.

Emotions aren't rational, so let him process and then calmly explain that your vibe is simply a toy. Enjoying the kind of pleasure you get from your vibrator doesn't mean you don't love your boyfriend and enjoy sex & intimacy with him. It just means that you have a healthy sex drive and want the release & satisfaction that a reliable buzz brings.

Masturbating When In A Relationship?

And what about your boyfriend - does he ever masturbate? We bet he does! A solo sesh when he's bored or horny doesn't mean he doesn't love sexy time with you. It's a different release that doesn't require much time or energy...

Is Masturbation Cheating?

So, to answer your question: Is masturbation cheating? Absolutely not.

Your pleasure belongs to you, and choosing to explore it solo doesn’t mean you’re betraying anyone - it means you’re in tune with your body and your needs. Vibrators don’t replace partners; they enhance pleasure. And any relationship worth its salt should celebrate that, not shame it.

Your boyfriend needs to leave the sex toy where it belongs: in your bed. Stand firm, stay sexy, and never apologise for knowing what makes you feel good.

Love & Vibes,

Team Sh! xx