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Q&A: Help! I can't relax enough to orgasm with my partner.

Q&A: Help! I can't relax enough to orgasm with my partner. - Sh! Women's Store

Hi Sh!

I am having trouble relaxing enough to get off with my boyfriend. I can masturbate to orgasm but with my boyfriend, it feels like sometimes I get close but I just can't relax enough to fully enjoy it. The only time I feel anything close to how it feels when I masturbate is from intercourse and then it's not nearly as intense. I'm not even sure if it counts as an orgasm. 

Also, he wants me to masturbate in front of him which is something I've never done and am not completely comfortable with, it seems weird to masturbate with him just watching. Especially since I prefer to lay on my stomach when I do. What's wrong with me?  Any tips to help me relax and just enjoy things? Thanks!

Hello there,

Many thanks for your email.  

This is a question we get asked all the time. It‚Äôs super-common for women to orgasm by themselves, but not with a partner. Nothing is ‚Äúwrong‚ÄĚ with you ‚Äď in fact, your vagina is reacting in a very normal way!

Clitoral stimulation, just how you like it!

You touch yourself in *just* the right way ‚Äď not too hard, not too soft. Not too fast, nor too slow. When a partner goes to touch the clitoris, they are often coming at it face-on, ie. almost like they are ringing a doorbell; they just press. Bearing in mind that the very tip of the clit has thousands and thousands of nerve endings, this can end any pleasure sharpish. It is tricky to teach a partner how to touch for optimum pleasure. They can‚Äôt feel what we‚Äôre feeling, so they don‚Äôt know when it‚Äôs too hard, too fast, or even too slow.

We recommend thinking of the clitoris as a clock face: 12 at the top and 6 at the bottom. When is your happy hour? What ‚Äútime‚ÄĚ is the most sensitive? This is the time to teach your partner to focus on ‚Äď with plenty of¬†lube¬†and patience, of course. It‚Äôs not a magic fix, but it‚Äôll help. Many women report that they are most sensitive at 10-11 or at 1-2 so these are good times to try out first.

clock face

Best positions for orgasms

We're guessing that you are on your back, knees or all fours when your partner is touching you? If you need to lay on your stomach when you masturbate, this is your go-to position for orgasms. This means you need to lay on your stomach when your partner touches you too ‚Äď maybe it tenses your thighs in a certain way, or maybe you grind against the sheets‚Ķ Whatever it is, this is the position that needs to be replicated. Some women can only orgasm on their fronts, some women can only orgasms when they lay on their backs‚Ķ This is perfectly normal. Some women flex their feet; others need to have their legs wide apart ‚Äď or close together. Positioning is very personal.¬†

Mutual masturbation is super-hot!

Being watched is very intimate, and it can sometimes put us off our stride. (Or, it can be a tremendous turn on!) It is probably a combination of two things for your partner: 

  • He wants to learn how you do it so he can replicate your moves
  • He wants to watch you enjoy yourself

These sessions are probably crazy sexy for him and something he re-visits in his mind when he’s enjoying some alone-time.

How about asking him to masturbate alongside you? This way you get to enjoy the view and sounds too! Mutual masturbation is incredibly hot, and you might find it easier if you can watch him beat his meat at the same time...

We hope this helps!

Love, Team Sh! xx

If you’d like any tailored advice or recommendations, please feel free to drop us a line at and we’ll answer you privately. We may also share Q&A’s so others may benefit, but if we do it will always be anonymous, with nothing left in to identify you.

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