What is lesbian bed death, really? Can bed death happen to couples in hetero relationships, or are only lesbians afflicted with this phenomenon? There are many questions and few answers.
'Lesbian bed death' has its own Wikipedia page, so someone took the time to research it and write unbiased information on it, so it must be true (tongue firmly in cheek).
Not only is there a wiki page, but there are pages and pages with tips on how to 'fix' it. (Single eyebrow raise.)
What Is Lesbian Bed Death?
Lesbian bed death, for those who haven't heard the term before, is when a lesbian couple stops having sex.
No sex = bed death. So far, so simple.
Many lesbian couples refute this and state that lesbian bed death is a myth with little to no evidence. They're happy to share details of hot sex (Jealous? Us? Of bloody course!), and who are we to argue?
Why Does Lesbian Bed Death Happen?
Good question.
We believe there are many different causes for lesbian bed death, or any bed death. (Bed death doesn't just affect lesbian couples, but all manner of romantic configurations.)
Just off the top of our heads, we can think of a long list of reasons why sheets may remain untangled. Life is busy, children are notorious for putting dampers on sexual pleasure, work stress, long-term illness, mismatched schedules and so on and so on. There is also something to be said for getting too comfortable in a relationship - it's easy to stop making an effort once you get used to seeing each other in stained pj's and greasy hair.
Lack of Orgasms Affects Lesbians Too
Not every sexual encounter has to entail wall-to-wall orgasms, but getting off gives the full benefit of having sex. Anorgasmia, the medical term for the inability to orgasm, is more common than you may think. It's less common when it comes to WLW sex (it's more common in straight sex), but there are still lots of women who struggle to orgasm.
*A note here: We prefer to call it pre-orgasmic, as that suggests an orgasm is still to come. Pun intended.
We advise hundreds of customers about this each year; women who've been sent to Sh! by their doctor or sex therapist, and probably hundreds more who feel unable to be open and honest about struggling to orgasm. Scientific studies and surveys back this up, showing that a huge proportion of the female population find orgasm elusive. Some studies suggest 10-15% of all women never climax. (So if this is you, you are not alone.)
Many women need intense and sustained stimulation of their clitoris to orgasm. While WLW sex may fulfil this job spec on paper, the reality is that a lack of orgasms affects lesbians too.
The longer the build-up, the better the orgasm, but taking a long time to come can take its toll physically. Clitorises can become over-sensitive or numb, hands can tire, you can even start to feel kinda bored (it happens), all of which can affect the likelihood of an orgasm.
If orgasms are elusive, frustration, lower self-esteem, lack of enthusiasm for sex and tension can follow. A cycle of 'can't do it - don’t wanna do it!' is easy to fall into. Not having sex leads to not feeling desired or desirable, which doesn't make you feel sexy, and so you don’t have sex...
Lack of Sex Drive Can Lead to Lesbian Bed Death
The relative lack of testosterone (aka the sex drive hormone) in the pairing of two women, in comparison to a man and a woman or two men, could also play a part in lesbian bed death. Studies seem to suggest that the female sex drive diminishes once she’s in a secure relationship of over 4 years. (Very specific.)
Of course, desire changes throughout a relationship, anyway. After all, no one would ever build a rounded relationship if those first sex-all-the-time months went on forever! (Jeez - we'd be knackered!) But time is no reason to let the action slip out of the bedroom and into IKEA. Exploring possibilities and communicating desires keeps sex fresh and keeps lesbian bed death at bay.
Make a Sex Date
Making sex dates is often the suggested cure for lesbian bed death, but these can feel contrived and add pressure to perform. Breaking the routine is sometimes enough, especially if you live together. Try simply making a date and seeing where it takes you.
The other side of the sex-date-coin: Scheduling definitely works for some couples. We have a friend who's firmly in the pro-planning camp, and we can see why. Setting a date, planning what will happen, and using the days before to build anticipation can work as an aphrodisiac. You both know what will happen, so you can let the juices build, so to speak.
Sex Date: Try Something Different Together
Let us go back to the lack-of-orgasm issue mentioned further up. We have a tip for this.
Vibrators.
A vibrator moves faster and more reliably than any part of the human body, and this can be a launch pad to sexual fireworks. And, during partnered sex, a vibe needn't feel like an over-enthusiastic third party in the bed. Nowadays, vibes can be so small and light that they slip onto a fingertip, adding a thrilling buzz to muff-shuffles.
Over to you... wink
