What is lesbian sex?

Before we get down to lesbian sex advice for first-timers, we should be clear that for this article, we're defining lesbian sex as vulva-on-vulva sex.

Sure, lesbian sex doesn't always involve 2 (or more) vulvas, nor is it always between people who identify as lesbian - plenty of straight, queer, trans and non-binary folks have lesbian sex that may not involve traditionally female body parts or identities.

However you identify, if you have a vulva that's itching (in a good way) to get it on with another vulva, read on...

Is lesbian sex what I've seen in porn?

No. Forget everything you may have seen in mainstream porn - this depicts the male fantasy of lesbian sex.

Real lesbian sex, including your own, is exactly what you and your lover want to make it. Not every lesbian likes to give or receive cunnilingus or play with strap-ons.

Whilst your fingers, tongue and brain (your most powerful sex organ) will most likely be key players, it’s important to know there are no rules, only imagination and communication.

How do I know what I (or she) will like?

Feeling awkward and nervous about your first time in bed with a new lover is normal. Communicating openly, and giving & receiving enthusiastic consent is the best way to ensure your first-time lesbian sex experience (and all subsequent times) is the best possible.

Think about all the sexy things you fantasise about and communicate these to your boo. Have a whispered conversation, or send a flirty text message, asking: ‘I'd love to do…with you - what do you think?’ or ‘Would you like to try?’

We recommend exploring with just fingers and lube at first. Take the time to find out where your partner likes to be touched or if they have body parts they prefer you not to kiss or stroke. Some women dislike penetration, so always check before slipping a finger or toy in.

Creating a space that feels safe, consensual and respectful of each other's identities and desires can help a first-time or new-partner session feel more relaxed.

I'm worried about getting naked in front of another woman.

It’s easy to feel intimidated if the only naked women you have seen so far are in porn, where the look is usually nipped, tucked and waxed. Until you see real women naked, you might worry you smell weird, look wrong or are too hairy. (None of those are true!)

Vaginas are fantastic self-cleaning love boxes with a specific scent. You may smell a little piquant if you’ve sweated a lot, but that doesn’t mean you smell ‘bad.’ Remember, the musky smell is specially formulated to be a turn-on! [Avoid using douches or strong soaps, as they are likely to leave you with a very unsexy infection.]

Visit The Great Wall of Vulva for an insight into the beautiful variety and uniqueness of vulvas.

Is lube a lesbian thing?

Lube should be on every bedside, regardless of your sexuality. But, yes, in our experience, lesbians have always embraced lube, and for good reason! When you get two women together, sex becomes circular rather than following the linear, straight-sex routine of foreplay-intercourse-finish.

Women are much more capable of being multi-orgasmic - add this to the mix and sex play can go on for days! It’s for this reason that lube is a lesbian staple. Paraben-free lube is the safest, and if you’re prone to Thrush, you should opt for something glycerin-free.

What about safer lesbian sex?

It’s a fallacy that lesbians don’t need to bother about safer sex. The risk of HIV transmission during vulva + vulva sex is low compared to other combos (vulva/penis or penis/penis), but other STIs like Bacterial Vaginosis, genital herpes, and thrush are just as common for lesbians as for women who have sex with men.

• Use condoms on toys and wash/sterilise toys thoroughly between sessions.
• Use a dental dam or a cut-up condom as a barrier during oral sex, especially if either has herpes or a cold sore, or is on their period.
• Use latex gloves if you bite your nails or have hangnails.

How do I know where to touch?

Do your homework if you're not 100% confident you know where vulva hot spots are and how they like to be touched.

The best body to practice on is your own, as you’ll gain valuable insight into your pleasure responses. Lock the door, grab a mirror and get acquainted!

• Mons Pubis & External Labia Lips

The area where your legs meet. The Mons is the mound where pubic hair grows. The outer labia lips also have pubic hair..

• Inner Labia Lips

The hairless, fleshy lips that surround the vaginal opening. When aroused, they become engorged with blood and more sensitive to touch.

• Clitoral Glans

The clitoral glans sits at the top of the inner labia lips (where they meet). Protected by a hood, the clitoral glans boasts 10,000+ nerve endings, so it's super sensitive. Start with gentle strokes or circling it with lubed-up fingers - leave direct touch until your lovely beau begs for it.

The clit has two legs that extend inside the body. These legs (crura) can be stimulated by stroking in-between the outer and inner labia.

• Urethra / U-Spot

Venture below the clit to find the urethra - the bladder outlet. This area is a highly erogenous zone for some women, known as the U-spot. Women who experience squirting during sex will release fluid (not pee, babes!) from the Skene's Glands on either side of the urethra.

• G-Spot / G-Area

The G-spot area is located on the front wall of the inside of the vagina, about half a finger’s length in and upwards. Here, spongy erectile tissue fills with blood when you are turned on, which engorges the elusive erogenous zone. Slip in a finger and you'll find that this small area feels rougher than the smooth vaginal tissue surrounding it.

Not everyone responds to G-spot play, so don't worry if you don't feel much. G-spotting is best tried when really turned on. Try using a ‘come hither’ motion rather than in-and-out thrusting.

To explore female orgasmic potential for yourself or your lover, we recommend taking the Shush Life Becoming Orgasmic online course.

How do I go down on a woman?

If you have masturbated with fingers, you'll have some idea of what it feels like to give and receive manual play. Delivering your first oral sex sesh on a vulva is always going to be a new experience. You can practice your lips & tongue technique on peaches and ice cream, but until you head south on a real-life woman, you won't know what gives them pleasure.

Oral sex is a very intimate act that should never be rushed. The tongue is the tool for cunnilingus, but oral pleasure also involves lips and breath.

A good tip is to start slow and indirectly. Going down is about teasing – nibble, lick and suck around the vulva, but ignore the clitoris (for now). Tongue-love her labia. Gradually move closer and closer to the clit, tease with a few circles – then dip down and treat yourself to a long, tasty lick from the vaginal opening to the clitoris - think long ice cream licks. Yum!

Play with pressure. Go from gentle and light to more focused flicking. Using the tip and the flat of your tongue offers different sensations.

Some people like rhythmic moves, others prefer to be kept in suspense – find out! Ask if she likes it like this or wants it a bit slower, faster, softer or firmer? Invite her to place her hands on your head to guide you to the right spot, if you feel ok with it

Advice about fingering?

• Nails

First of all, consider your nails before slipping your fingers into someone's vagina. Fingers are lesbian tools of the trade, so make sure they are clean!

Short and smooth are the best for finger play, as vaginal membranes are delicate.

If you have long nails, or like acrylic tips, consider getting a 'femmicure' - the lez version of a manicure, where the party fingers (index & middle finger) are left short.

Otherwise, protect delicate vaginal membranes by squishing cotton wool balls under long nails before slipping on a latex glove. The cotton wool takes the edge off your talons and protects the glove from potentially tearing.

• Touching the Clit

Think of the clitoris as a clock face with 12 at the top and 6 at the bottom. Most women have what we call their 'happy hour' - a time on the clit clock that is more responsive. For many, it’s 10-11 or 1-2.

Because of this, sliding your lubed-up fingers on the sides of the clitoris rather than pressing or rubbing directly on it is likely to garner a much better response. Rubbing directly on the tip of the clit can be painful or overwhelming, so best avoided unless she specifically asks for it.

Slide lube-up fingers in a figure 8 over the clitoris and vulva - and make sure to include the opening of the vagina, as this is a highly responsive area.

Stroking in concentric circles is another good fingering move. Start your cupping and stroking over the vulva, and slowly work your fingers closer and closer to the clitoris.

• Tapping

Another sexy move is tapping lightly over the urethral area. This can be done with one lubed-up finger, two fingers, or the whole palm. The tapping stimulates the external parts, but also the internal parts of the clitoris and G-spot area. As arousal grows, she may ask you to tap faster or firmer. It's possible to orgasm from the tapping, so keep going!

• Going Inside

As arousal builds, the vagina naturally balloons and many women crave a filled-up feeling. If she’s up for some penetration, add lube to your fingers before dipping them in. Start slow and gently with one finger only.

Start with your index finger. Tease a little, stroke inside and around the opening, up over the clitoris and back in again. Curl your fingers so they press against her G-spot.

Ask if she wants more, and if she says yes, insert a second finger (and so on...).

What is fisting?

You may have heard about fisting. The thing to know is that while it’s called fisting (which sounds aggressive and possibly scary), it’s an incredibly intimate act that is entirely about arousal and trust.

Physically, fisting is the act of inserting a whole hand (shaped like a duck beak rather than a fist) very slowly into the vagina. Fisting is not for everyone, physically. Nor is it for everyone in terms of being a turn-on. The most important thing to know is that the receiver must be very aroused and that communication is key.

We would not suggest fisting as a first-time lesbian sex act, because trust and knowing your lover's body are essential.

Some lesbian sex positions for newbies

The only limit to positions is your imagination! Below are a few tried and trusted lesbian sex positions to get you going.

• Scissoring

Sit or lie facing each other with legs intertwined and rub clits and vulvas together. Visually, scissoring is a huge turn-on! Add deep rumbly vibrations by placing a lubed-up wand massager between you both to grind against.

Rock your body against a part of her body; you can both ride each other's thighs or grind against her bum or hip as you pleasure her manually (or she pleasures herself).

• Dry Humping

The clothed version of tribbing. Super sexy, as well as safe, in terms of safer sex. Enhance by slipping a lubed-up Banapants Grind Pad into your underwear - party-in-the-pants pleasure!

• Missionary – the Lez Version

One lies on top of the other, straddling their thigh and manually pleasuring the vulva they're on top of. A mixture of fingering and tribbing!

• Wankbank

One partner pleasures themselves, but with fingers crooked and positioned so they also stimulate the other’s clit - empowering and intimate at the same time!

• Face Sitting

Easy access! Whover is lowering themselves onto the tongue/mouth below can lean in ways that feel good for them, and position themselves exactly where they want to be.

• 69

Simultaneous pleasure! Try it with one leading the moves and the other mirroring them - a good way to teach and learn what each other likes.

Lesbian Sex Toys

Not everyone wants to use toys, and that’s ok. Nor are they only for the experienced. Lesbian sex toys can add new layers of pleasure. More importantly, communicating about toys and exploring the idea together can help build intimacy and fun in your relationship.

Sex toys are super-helpful when tongues or hands begin to tire, and they can tease forth stubborn orgasms.

Sex toys don’t have to be used internally. Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so this is the area to focus on first!

• RO-80 bullet vibrator in rainbow colours is a bestseller with our lesbian customers. A discreet but powerful way to add an exciting buzz to couples' play.

• Small finger vibrators are great for women playing together. You can have one each, or you can take turns to pleasure each other. Add a little lube to the vibrator, start at the gentlest setting and stroke around her vulva just like you would with your finger. Never place the vibe directly on the clit unless she tells you that’s what she wants – direct vibration can be incredibly intense and may chase off the orgasm!

• Ruby Glow Dusk is great for woman-on-woman sex; grind against it whilst using your mouth and fingers to pleasure her.

• Double-ended dildos that are not dick-shaped are difficult to find. Infinity Double Dildo is different - a shapely, non-gendered sex toy with twin vibrating ends that deliver thrilling penetrative pleasure, used in a pull-me-push-me motion whilst scissoring.

• Strap-Ons- Fused strap-ons (where the dildo is permanently attached to a harness) are impossible to keep clean. Plus, one-size-fits-all doesn’t when it comes to such an intimate plaything as a strap-on. Create your perfect strap-on by buying your harness and dildo individually.

Read more lesbian sex advice here!