The inability, or seeming inability, to orgasm affects millions of women. The medical profession refers to this as Anorgasmia.
As a side note, we'll say we prefer using "pre-orgasmic" when talking to women who have yet to experience an orgasm. Pre-orgasmic is a more positive definition and indicates that an orgasm will happen in due course.
Anorgasmia is broken into two categories:
- Primary - never had an orgasm at all
- Secondary - can't orgasm now, after being able to orgasm before
You are not alone
The most important thing to know is that you are not alone.
It may seem like 'everybody else' has super-easy orgasms every time they have sex. This isn't the case. All sorts of statistics are bandied around, like '10% of women say they've never experienced an orgasm from any type of stimulation.' We're guessing this figure is far higher.
The second thing to note is that whilst we have a word for it, it's actually difficult to describe what an orgasm feels like. It's certainly not a universally-shared sensation - far from it! Climaxes can vary from little peaks of pleasure to crashing crescendos to a warm envelopment of satisfaction.
It may be super-frustrating, but taking the focus off orgasm and putting it on pleasure is the best thing to do. Pursuing an orgasm as if it is the Holy Grail creates further issues: Disappointment, tension, lack of self-esteem, and lack of enthusiasm for sex...
None of these feelings will help you feel aroused and in the pillow-biting state you need for an orgasm. But - however much you may feel like you won't ever reach climax, we believe that learning how to orgasm is possible for most.
We advise hundreds of pre-orgasmic women every year
And oftentimes, they've come back to tell us they've now had an orgasm!
Masturbation is key. The full definition of Anorgasmia is the inability to orgasm without adequate stimulation.
Vibrators are great for learning how to orgasms
We will always recommend that pre-orgasmic women get a vibrator.
The intense stimulation that a vibrator delivers has helped thousands of women get off for the first time. We're happy to talk through the different options and discuss how to choose a vibrator that suits you.
Now, here's the deal.
It can take a long time to get the 'adequate' stimulation to orgasm.
There is no "right" amount of time, but the average is said to be somewhere between 15-40 minutes. This is a wide window, and it's only an average, which means lots of women take a lot longer!
Hands can tire, and minds can wander...which is why the sustained stimulation of a vibrator can be so helpful.
Stressing about 'taking too long' is one of the most common barriers to orgasm. Overstimulation, where your clitoris either becomes too sensitive to be touched or actually feels numb, is another.
Clitoral orgasms
As most women's orgasms are clitoral, this is the area to concentrate on first, so we will primarily advise on choosing a clitoral vibrator and how to use it for clitoral pleasure.
Physical/practical pre-orgasmic questions to ask yourself:
- Do I know where my erogenous zones are?
- Do I know which bits of myself I like being stimulated?
- Am I worried about letting go if I pee? Many women stop themselves from orgasming because of this worry.
- Have I ever tried exercising my PC Muscle? Learning to squeeze & release the pelvic floor can be helpful when learning how to orgasm.
- Do I tense up when near orgasm? Many women do, but learning to breathe deeply rather than taking shallow breaths can help.
- What would make me feel more relaxed when masturbating or having sex?
Lube and sexy stories
We always recommend using lube for all sex play. Lube makes everything super-wet and enhances sensations.
Along with undisturbed 'me-time' with lube and vibrator (ensuring no chance of interruptions and with the shower, music or TV on), we also recommend erotic fantasy.
Learning to 'be in the moment' is crucial for female orgasms. Sexy fantasies are great for keeping your mind on the task at hand (masturbation).
My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is a ground-breaking collection of women's fantasies. We often recommend this book because it covers every kind of fantasy you could think of, plus a lot more, so it's a great resource for fantasy material. Reading other women's deepest desires and wild imaginings can be incredibly liberating.
Please note: My Secret Garden contains fantasies that could be triggering.
Of course, there are sexy story audio sites like Dipsea if you prefer to listen to reading.
Porn can also be helpful. We recommend choosing ethical, female-focused sites if you are new to them.
In a world that teaches women to be the 'givers' rather than the 'receivers' and has been ignorant of female pleasure and anatomy for so long, and where the taboo of female masturbation is still rife, our focus and expertise are on the physicality of learning to orgasm.
Physically giving yourself a break from a single-minded quest for orgasm whilst putting yourself on a dedicated journey of self-pleasure is the best first step. This has worked well for the thousands of pre-orgasmic women we've advised.
Other questions to explore if you're unable to orgasm
- Do I feel guilty about sex or have any negative feelings or attitudes towards sex?
- Do I have a problem with my relationship – unresolved issues or dissatisfaction?
- Do I like the kind of sex I'm having with my partner?
- Do I feel embarrassed or nervous about what I'd like in case of rejection?
- Have I got unresolved issues stemming from abuse or trauma?
- Am I taking medication, using recreational drugs or drinking too much? These may make lubrication more difficult or may interfere with arousal and the ability to orgasm.
- Have I been affected by any surgery, trauma or illness that may have altered my physical responses?
- Am I the sort of person who always needs to be in control? Am I afraid of losing control?
If you think any of these issues maybe at the core of being unable to orgasm, it maybe time to consult your doctor or get professional counseling.
- Net Doctor: Who to Contact for Sex Therapy.
- Are You Having Trouble Reaching Orgasm; A Guide for Women
