The Weirdest & Wildest Vibrator Warnings We’ve Ever Read
Here at Sh!, we've read thousands (seriously, thousands) of vibrator instruction manuals over the years. Some are helpful. Some are baffling. And some are so brilliantly bonkers, we just had to share them with you.
Whether it's overly cautious legal advice or a pearl of wisdom born from someone's very memorable mishap, these warnings are an absolute treasure trove of human curiosity, creativity, and litigation anxiety.
Here are some of our all-time favourite clangers:
❌ "Do not use the product while asleep"
Apart from being hilariously ominous, this one raises a lot of questions.
First off: What kind of vibrator is so dull it sends you to sleep? We’d like to avoid that one, thanks.
But in all seriousness, this warning is about safety. If you leave a vibrator buzzing away for hours while you’re off in dreamland, it can overheat. You might wake up to a burnt bum cheek, a dead battery, or a partner glaring at you because the sheets smell faintly of melted silicone.
Moral of the story? Always turn off your vibe before you drift off. It deserves a rest, too.
❌ "Do not use on unexplained calf pain"
This feels oddly specific. Is someone out there trying to vibrate away their varicose veins?
This warning is actually meant to prevent the very small possibility of dislodging a blood clot (aka deep vein thrombosis). Because if that sucker starts travelling, you’re no longer having fun – you’re in A&E explaining how your magic wand became a magic missile.
That said, if you’ve got a bit of a leg ache, maybe try a hot bath and a cup of tea first. Leave the heavy-duty vibes to the areas they were designed to rock.
❌ "Sold as a novelty item only"
This one's not so much weird as it is wildly unfair. In some parts of the world (cough USA cough), sex toys can only be legally sold if labelled a “novelty.” That’s right: your beautifully crafted, body-safe vibrator is legally on par with a blow-up sheep from a stag night.
Of course, here at Sh!, we take pleasure seriously. Our vibes are made to perform – not just sit in a drawer next to some fake poo and a whoopee cushion. But still, we can't help but giggle every time this label pops up.
❌ "Do not use on swollen or inflamed areas of skin"
OK, but let’s clarify: swollen how?
Because if we’re talking excited genitals, then… isn’t that sort of the whole point?
This one’s legal speak meant to cover the manufacturer’s backside (not yours). It’s mostly about avoiding use on actual injuries, rashes, or infections – not the healthy kind of throbbing excitement that vibrators were literally made for.
So yes – your clitoris, penis, nipples, and other pleasure zones are in the clear. Get buzzing.
✅ "Warning: intense ejaculation!"
Honestly, this might be our favourite. No notes.
We have never had a customer question this one. Not once. If anything, people are out here saying: “Sign me up!”
We like a warning label that sets expectations high. And we’re happy to report: some of our toys absolutely deliver on this promise 😏
So next time you're unpacking your new vibe and leafing through the safety leaflet, take a moment to appreciate the unintentional comedy. Behind every oddball warning is probably a very interesting story – one we’d love to hear over wine someday.
Until then, vibe responsibly – and with a healthy sense of humour!
