Painful Sex Painful penetration • Vaginismus • Menopause

There can be many reasons for painful sex.

It could be that your body isn't yet ready for penetration:

• You need more lube.
• You need more build-up.
• Position is uncomfortable.
• Your partner's penis or the dildo is too big for you.

But pain during sex can have other causes, including vaginal dryness, pelvic floor tension, vaginismus, menopause, endometriosis, infection, childbirth, surgery or cancer treatment.

Sometimes more arousal or lubricant may help, but persistent, unexplained, new or severe pain deserves proper investigation. Sex shouldn’t be something you simply have to push through.

It depends on why you're experiencing pain and what you want to explore. Useful options may include:

• Vaginal dilators for gradual, controlled penetration
• Slim, smooth toys when less stretch feels better
• Lubricants to reduce friction
• Vaginal moisturiser for ongoing dryness
• Penetration/depth buffers if deeper penetration hurts
• External vibrators for pleasure without penetration
  

Products can support comfort and exploration, but they aren't a substitute for investigating persistent pain.

Stop or slow down rather than trying to push through the pain. More time for arousal, plenty of lubricant, changing position or reducing depth may help with occasional discomfort.

If pain is persistent, unexplained, worsening or accompanied by symptoms such as bleeding, speak to a healthcare professional.

Finding out why penetration hurts is important before deciding what may help.

Vaginismus involves the muscles around the vaginal opening tightening involuntarily when penetration is attempted or anticipated. This can make inserting a tampon, finger, sex toy or penis uncomfortable, painful or sometimes impossible.

The response isn’t something you’re consciously choosing. If you think you may have vaginismus, speak to a healthcare professional or pelvic-health specialist for assessment and support.

Yes. Vaginal dilators are widely used to support people experiencing vaginismus and some forms of painful penetration. They allow you to explore penetration gradually, beginning with a manageable size and progressing at your own pace.

Sh! vaginal dilators are recommended by many sex therapists and healthcare professionals, and were designed to make dilation feel less clinical and more connected to comfort, confidence and pleasure. Our pioneering vibrating dilators also give you the option of adding gentle vibration to the experience.

If you're using dilators for vaginismus, following cancer treatment, surgery or for another diagnosed condition, follow the advice of your healthcare professional or pelvic-health specialist.

There’s no prize for reaching the largest size - progress means whatever feels comfortable and right for your body.

Usually, start with the smallest dilator in your set. The aim is to introduce penetration gently, with a size that feels approachable and comfortable rather than challenging.

Use plenty of lubricant, take your time and allow your body to relax around the dilator. Once that size feels comfortable, you can gradually move up to the next size when you feel ready.

If you already know you're comfortable inserting something larger, or you're using dilators under professional guidance, you may be advised to start at a different size.

Sh! tip → There’s no race to size up and no prize for reaching the largest dilator. Your body sets the pace.

Yes, if using a sex toy feels comfortable and is something you want to explore. Many people prefer to begin with external stimulation or a small, smooth toy before considering penetration.

If you want to explore internal toys, choose something slim, smooth and easy to control, use plenty of lubricant and stop if you experience pain. There’s no need to move onto larger toys unless you genuinely want to.

If you've been diagnosed with vaginismus or are following a treatment plan, check with your healthcare or pelvic-health professional about what's appropriate for you.

Vibrators can be particularly useful because pleasure doesn't have to involve penetration. An external vibrator lets you explore clitoral and vulval sensation without inserting anything.

Sh! also pioneered vibrating vaginal dilators, bringing vibration and pleasure into the dilation experience.

If internal stimulation is uncomfortable, there's absolutely no need to progress to it. Start with what feels good to your body.

It can. Cancer and its treatments can affect vaginal comfort, dryness, tissue, pelvic function, arousal and how your body experiences touch. Some treatments may also cause vaginal narrowing or shortening.

Depending on your circumstances, lubricants, vaginal moisturisers, dilators, slim toys or external vibrators may be useful.

Because treatments vary enormously, speak to your cancer team or clinical nurse specialist before using products therapeutically, particularly vaginal dilators.

Yes. Hormonal changes during and after menopause can cause vaginal dryness and thinning of vaginal and vulval tissue, which may make penetration less comfortable.

Lubricants and vaginal moisturisers can help with dryness, while slim toys or dilators may offer more controlled penetration if that's something you'd like to explore.

External vibrators also let you enjoy stimulation without penetration at all.

Persistent pain should still be discussed with a healthcare professional.

A generous amount of lubricant can make a big difference when friction or dryness is contributing to discomfort. A thicker water-based lube ( which are often marketed for anal sex) can add cushioning, while silicone lube provides exceptionally long-lasting glide.

If pain persists despite plenty of lubrication, speak to a healthcare professional rather than trying to push through it.

Occasional discomfort can happen, but persistent pain during sex isn't something you should simply put up with.

Dryness, hormonal changes, pelvic floor tension and conditions such as vaginismus can all contribute to painful penetration.

If pain continues despite using lubricant or changing positions, speak to your GP or a sexual health professional. The right support can make a real difference.

The right professional will depend on what’s causing your pain. Your GP or gynaecologist can investigate possible medical causes, while a pelvic-health physiotherapist can help with pelvic floor problems and a psychosexual or sex therapist can support the emotional and psychological aspects of painful sex or vaginismus.

Finding someone who understands painful sex, and takes your sexual wellbeing seriously, can make a real difference.

We’ve put together a list of vaginismus-aware therapists and professionals to help you find specialist support.

→ Find a Vaginismus Therapist