It pains me to admit it, but my vagina and I are no longer living *la vida loca*. Gone are the days of sneaky snogs in parks and spontaneous adventures in semi-public places.
These days it's more likely to be comfy pyjamas, an early night and a generous helping of good-quality lube to soothe a pussouir that's suddenly decided moisture is optional.
Yep... it's happening.
Knock, knock - who's there?
Perimenopause came knocking, and before I'd even answered the door, she'd moved in, rearranged my sex toys and hidden my libido somewhere...
Menopause is a funny old thing. When we're younger we spend years wishing our periods would disappear. Then, as they become increasingly unpredictable, we find ourselves weirdly sentimental about them. Every missed period feels like a reminder that our bodies are changing in ways we didn't sign up for.
And then there are all the other surprises. The brain fog. The hot flushes. The night sweats. The random rage because someone breathed too loudly. The aching joints. The skin that suddenly seems to belong to someone else. Oh, and the memory! I was going to make a clever joke about menopause brain... but I've forgotten it.
So... what happens to sex?
Menopause and mind-blowing sex aren't always a dream team. When you're exhausted, overheating, anxious and wondering why your jeans no longer fit, sex can slip a long way down the to-do list. Libido takes a holiday. Bodies change. Positions that once seemed exciting suddenly feel like an potential trip to A&E. Spooning starts looking remarkably appealing compared with anything that requires core strength. And if vaginal dryness joins the party, sex can become uncomfortable or even painful.
The good news? None of this means your sex life is over. Far from it!
Your body isn't broken
One of the biggest myths about menopause is that desire simply disappears forever. For some people it dips dramatically. For others it hardly changes at all. Some even find their sex drive increases once they're free from worries about periods or pregnancy. There's no "normal."
If dryness or discomfort is getting in the way, don't just put up with it. A good lube can transform comfort during sex, while vaginal moisturisers and local vaginal oestrogen can make a huge difference to everyday symptoms. If you're struggling, speak to your GP or a menopause specialist - you don't have to suffer in silence.
There are perks to getting older
Here's the thing nobody told me. By the time we reach midlife, many of us have stopped worrying quite so much about impressing everyone else. We know what we enjoy. We're more likely to ask for it. We're less interested in performing and far more interested in pleasure. That's a pretty wonderful trade!
I still swear by a brilliant vibrator, a silky lubricant and a sexy book when I fancy giving my libido a gentle nudge in the right direction.
Sometimes desire doesn't arrive before intimacy - it shows up because we made time for pleasure in the first place. Experiment. Be curious. Try a new toy. Find the lube that works for your body now, not the one that worked ten years ago. Give yourself permission to explore this new chapter instead of mourning the last one.
You're definitely not alone
One of the best things about menopause is that we're finally talking about it. Millions of us are navigating the same rollercoaster of symptoms, questions and emotional ups and downs. Yet it can still feel incredibly lonely when you're in the thick of it. That's why I love menopause communities.
A few years ago I spent an evening at Sh! with a wonderful group from Reclaim the Menopause. I'd never met them before and wasn't quite sure what to expect. What I found was a room full of funny, warm, intelligent women who happened to be going through exactly the same life stage as me. We laughed. We shared stories. We compared symptoms. We discovered that none of us were failing - we were simply experiencing menopause. I left feeling lighter than when I'd arrived. No self-help book has ever managed that!
Menopause changes our bodies, but it doesn't take away our sexuality, our confidence or our ability to experience joy and pleasure. If anything, it reminds us that our bodies deserve kindness, curiosity and a little extra lubrication.
And honestly? That's not a bad place to start.
