Placeholder Q&A: Did sex hurt because I'm not attracted enough to men? Advice at Sh! Women's Store
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Q&A: Did sex hurt because I'm not attracted enough to men?

Q&A: Did sex hurt because I'm not attracted enough to men?

"I recently lost my virginity to a guy that I absolutely trust and am very attracted to. He was able to make me cum using his hands, but sex was incredibly painful for me. He isn't particularly big but I'm pretty sure he caused some tearing as well (I bled a lot, although I think I started my period at the same time). I was sore so we left it and recently tried again and it still hurt, perhaps marginally less but still far too much for me to continue.

I've heard that even your first time doesn't have to hurt if you're properly aroused and unaroused was the only explanation I could think of, but I enjoy everything else he does. I'm bisexual so perhaps it's possible my attraction for men isn't strong enough to be sexual? There's also the fact I have never inserted anything besides tampons and in fact, being fingered hurt the first time around. 

So I want to know: is it normal for it to hurt or should I be worried, and what can I do to stop the pain?"

Hey there,

Many thanks for your email. We’re sorry to hear your first time was so painful, but it’s not uncommon. Painful sex is never fun and can put people off for a long time.

Why is penetration painful?

First of all, we’d recommend booking a check-up to make sure all is well on the inside of the vagina. There could be several reasons for the pain, and it’s always best to have it checked out. You may have a vaginal infection that may require antibiotics, for example. Or Endometriosis which is a common condition that causes pain during and after sex. There is another condition called Vaginismus that causes pain when penetration is attempted. But – the good news is that most conditions causing painful sex are treatable.

Always use lube for sex

Secondly, did you use lube? We always recommend generous amounts of lube for all sex play. There is always the possibility that your vaginal membranes were dry, especially if you felt nervous for your first time. Other factors such as dehydration caused by alcohol, medication or tiredness are common, and these can all make penetrative sex uncomfortable.

black and white image of two hand. one hand is pumping lube into the other hand.

Positioning can make a whole world of difference. It might be an idea for you to be in control of penetration when you decide to give sex another go. Being on top means that you can stop if it begins to feel uncomfortable at all.

We can’t comment on whether or not you felt aroused at the time – only you know that. It could be that you didn’t feel turned on because there was no chemistry with the guy, or it could be that you didn’t feel aroused, or lost your desire because it was painful.

The good news is that sex usually gets much better with time, so you have lots of exciting experiences to look forward to!

Love, Team Sh! xx

If you’d like any tailored advice or recommendations, please feel free to drop us a line at advice@sh-womenstore.com and we’ll answer you privately. We may also share Q&A’s so others may benefit, but if we do it will always be anonymous, with nothing left in to identify you.

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