Me and my gf, both virgins, tried to have sex for the first time recently. Everything was going fine for a while, we went through our general routine of oral and manual sex, but when we decided I should try penetration we were simply unable to. Lubrication wasn't the issue, she was very wet from foreplay, but as soon as I tried to penetrate it was as if the hole was just gone. We tried a few times with the same result.
She uses tampons and I can finger with one finger with no issues, and two if i work up to it, but it seems as soon as we try to switch to actual sex she becomes very anxious and closes up completely.
She is a very nervous person in general, and was very ashamed that she "didn't perform" or "power through." She is very self-conscious and feels really bad about it even though I have and will continue telling her it's not her fault and I'm perfectly happy to wait until it's a great experience for both of us.
I did some research and was wondering if she could have vaginismus, or is just nervous, or if that's the same thing in this case? Does this sound like vaginismus? And if so is that the right course of action for us to take?
Hello there,
Thanks for getting in touch!
It's tricky to say if your girlfriend has vaginismus based on one email. Has she ever used toys before? You say she is comfortable with fingers and tampons. This may indicate that if she is suffering some degree of vaginismus, it may not be severe. This is good news.
What is vaginismus?
Vaginismus is the term used to describe recurrent or persistent involuntary tightening of muscles around the vagina whenever penetration is attempted.
The key phrase here is 'recurrent or persistent. It sounds like your girlfriend experienced the involuntary muscle tightening, but this might be down to 'first-time' nerves.
Never 'power through' painful sex
You did the right thing in stopping and going back to activities you are both comfortable with. Trying to power through will be painful for your girlfriend and only reinforces negative expectations she might have about sex. This could then lead to vaginismus.
We would suggest continuing with non-penetrative activities you both enjoy. Use plenty of lube to ensure play is comfortable and pain-free for your girlfriend.
Try a slim vibrator
She could try experimenting with a small vibrator if she is interested in sex toys. Choosing a toy that's larger than a tampon or a finger but smaller than a penis is a good start. This will give her time to experiment before attempting p-i-v again.
At the moment you are doing everything right. Too many women try to ignore pain during sex, leading to further problems.
Explore her anxiety over penetration - gently!
It's great that you enjoy a mutually satisfying range of sexual activities. It might be worth exploring why your girlfriend feels anxious about penetration. She may have heard that her first time will be painful, and that's what's causing the anxiety. It's important to remember that if your girlfriend is relaxed, lubricated and aroused, penetration should not be painful. (But you need to stop if it is.)
If this problem persists, we recommend seeking help from a GP or a qualified Psychosexual Therapist. We have a list on our vaginismus awareness website.
We hope this helps!
Best Wishes,
Team Sh! xx
