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Q&A: My partner wants rough sex

Q&A: My partner wants rough sex

I'm in a long-distance relationship and my partner recently expressed an interest in me being 'rougher' when we next meet up. Like slap her ass hard and talk dirty and throw her around. She also asked for more foreplay.  

For me when I'm rough I feel like I'm hurting her and it's kind of a turn-off. Also, I always start with foreplay but I feel like it gets repetitive so I jump into going down on her or playing with her clit with my fingers.

What are some tips on spicing things up by being rough as well as extending foreplay or even new things to do for foreplay? Thanks!

Hey there,

Many thanks for your email!

We have lots of exciting tips & tricks for you to try out next time out meet up with your partner.

More Foreplay Please!

Foreplay - although we like to call it more-play as there should always be more of it. The word foreplay suggests it's what comes before something else (penis-in-vagina-sex, usually) but trust us, it can be an exciting activity in itself!

Most folks hone in on the clitoris as it's the bit that works best. But, here is the most valuable sex info you'll ever get - leave the clitoris until last

The clitoris has thousands and thousands of nerve endings sitting on top of it, and it can be painful to have it touched or licked before being warmed up - and by "warmed up," we mean "begging for it."

Start by kissing her deeply, kissing her neck, the nape of her neck, stroking her back, playing with her nipples, sucking her fingers, licking the back of her knees, sucking her toes, spanking her butt lightly... Whatever it is she likes, do more of it. Whisper filthy nothings, tell her how sexy she is, how hot she is making you, how badly you want to do sexy stuff to her...

Using a small finger vibrator to trace the curve of her spine and the roundness of her buttocks is a winning move, so make sure to incorporate that into your sensation-fest.

You could try using a blindfold. Removing visual references ensures that she'll feel everything more intensely, every stroke, kiss and lick become amplified.

A selection of handmade blindfolds. Black, red, baby pink, pink and purple


When, and only then, she begs you to touch her pussy, lube up your fingers and slowly trace the outer lips, the inner lips, tease the opening a little... Make it last. The longer you spend teasing her, the more she'll enjoy her orgasm when it comes.

Unfortunately, sex ed in schools doesn't cover the ins & outs of the clitoris. We have advice pages that'll help you understand how the clit works and how you can help her get the most out of it.

Does Rough Sex Hurt?

Understandably, you feel a little apprehensive about rougher sex if it isn't something that you've tried before.

It's worth taking some time to think about what she wants you to do. You could pull her hair lightly (make a ponytail at the base of the neck, using your fist as a hair grip) - this is a very dominating move. Folks who enjoy a little bit of submissive play can find it super-exciting and enjoyable.

Spanking her butt - again, it seems as if she'd like you to be more forceful with her. It isn't necessarily about pain as such - even gentle taps on the roundness of her bum could feel thrilling for her. Spanking releases endorphins which are the body's natural painkillers. It's common to enjoy a rousing bout of bum-smacking as stress relief after a long day. You may find that she becomes very giggly - this is a good sign!


four spanking crops in pink, red, purple and black


You could "order" her to tell you if she wants to be spanked harder or if she's had enough. Communication is essential when it comes to kinky play. This ensures you know you won't go too far.

It's a good idea to decide on a safe word. A safe word is a word that either can use if you want to slow down or stop play altogether. It's best to pick a word that you wouldn't use during sex, as you'll both pay more attention when it's said out loud.

Good luck!


Team Sh! xx

If you’d like any tailored advice or recommendations, please feel free to drop us a line at and we’ll answer you privately. We may also share Q&A’s so others may benefit, but if we do it will always be anonymous, with nothing left in to identify you – promise!

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