Hi, I saw your tweet about advice and thought you might be able to help with a problem.
I have quite a low sex drive. Most of the time I can't be bothered with it, but just before my period when I'm flooded with hormones, I can't get enough. This effects my relationships quite badly as my men types are very much of the anytime, anywhere ilk and I feel I can't keep up with that.
Are there ways to spread my general horn around a little bit more, so I'm much more interested for a much greater length of time than just a couple of days?
So, the first thing that springs to mind are a couple of questions to ask and rule out.
1. Are you taking libido-effecting drugs?
Medication often has a negative effect on libidos. In many cases, "the horn" may even be blocked.
Antidepressants are the biggest culprit. And commonly, the contraceptive pill messes up hormones and can affect libido.
If you're taking any prescription drugs, we'd recommend chatting with your doctor about other options, such as a lower dose, a different brand or an alternative to pills altogether.
2. Do you have children?
Children are notoriously bad for your sex life (although it's so much fun making them!), as they'll wear you out without thinking twice about it. If this is the case, we recommend getting a trusted babysitter for a weekend, so you and your partner can book into a hotel for some sexy-time.
3. How are things generally?
Are you tired, stressed out, or rundown? Are you grieving, even from a loss a long time ago (grief is a big libido-killer)?
101 things can come together to have a massive effect on your mojo. Take a look at your life. If you're not feeling 100% tickety-boo, we'd recommend giving yourself a break! Rather than focusing on taking care of, or keeping up with your man, take care of yourself and schedule in regular 'me-time'.
4. How is sex when you do have it?
Does it satisfy your mind and body? Do you orgasm?
What is going on in our brain appears to affect women's libido and desire, much more so than men, requiring us to feel safe, confident and connected to get off. Without that flood of hormones responsible for your unstoppable horniness around ovulation, it may be that your own head is blocking your libido.
- How is/are your relationship/s?
- Do you trust them and feel the necessary confidence and connection?
So, with all that out of the way, it could be that you just have a lower libido by nature and you are certainly not alone.
Lots of women have issues with low sex drive, but as you write, this only becomes a problem your partner wants more sex than you do.
It may seem like everybody else is constantly hot to trot, but this isn't the case.
In one study, 43% of women claimed to have no sex drive. There's also a myth that dwindling libido affects older women, but actually, women in their 30s tend to be the ones who have their libido knocked sideways due to stress, working, young families and lack of time.
Testosterone is the main horn-vamping hormone. Take a mooch around Google to see how to boost it naturally with certain foods or supplements such as Ginseng, Ginkgo Biloba and L-Arginine.
Exercise also boosts testosterone and other feel-good chemicals in the body, so get your blood pumping - a fast walk, 20 minutes on the treadmill or a bounce on the trampoline will all help you feel better, healthier and sexier.
'Use it or lose it' as the saying goes, and this is so true for your libido.
You may find that you desire more sex just by having more sex. Getting jiggy actually boosts your testosterone levels, which, in turn, turns up the horn, which makes you have more sex! Switching off this cycle of desire has the opposite effect.
If it's not already part of your repertoire, add sensual massage to playtime with your partner/s. The repetitive strokes of skin-on-skin feel erotic and relaxing - perfect for when fast and furious hormone-induced sex is not on the cards. It's also likely to feel arousing, but being less goal-orientated, there's less pressure to 'perform.'
Try getting it on at different times of the day (you may find you like it better at certain times of the day), experiment with new places and new positions (we can sometimes get complacent and need a fresh perspective) and make sure you do things that you really enjoy.
Reading erotica is a great way to get your mind turned on, and where the mind leads, the body will often follow... We like to read some saucy stuff on public transport - you can easily access the "good stuff" on your phone.
An enhancing gel can work wonders on arousal as it encourages blood flow to your clitoris, making your mind focus on your body's no1 pleasure-seeking hot spot.
Thrilling sensations from a vibrator or other fun sex toy, together or alone, will help arouse your body into pleasure.
All these tips can help boost your desire for sex and turn your mind and body away from the negatives and frustration you feel about it.
There's this idea that sex, desire and arousal should be effortless and come 'naturally,' but it requires work, and that's no bad thing - we're sure you'll agree that the end result is worth it!
Team Sh! xx