I have met a great guy, and we have fun together in so many ways. He is funny, he can cook, and sex is the best I've ever had. As far as I know, he is straight (he hasn't alluded to being attracted to other guys), but I found a butt plug in his bedside drawer and don't know how to bring it up. Is he gay? Or bi? It seems odd for a (supposedly) straight guy to use anal toys...
Hey there, thanks for getting in touch!
There is this old myth about gay men and anal play - only gay men enjoy anal penetration, and a 'real' man would never... This belief is outdated and rooted in homophobia. It's time to move on from it.
Straight men can enjoy receiving anal penetration, just like gay or bi men may never want to try it. Loving ass-play has nothing to do with sexuality. Owning a butt plug doesn't mean he's gay or bisexual; this means he's into pleasure and open to exploration. Lucky you!
If you have a great time together and he's into sex with you, it would be fair to assume he's attracted to women. It's possible he's also attracted to men and has perhaps dabbled at some point. We don't know him, so we can't answer this.
Can a straight man use anal toys?
The short answer is: Yes. Straight guys can use anal toys.
The prostate is a small gland inside the male-bodied butt. The prostate, or P-spot, is an erogenous zone many men like to have stimulated during solo play or with a partner. Inserting a butt plug, anal beads or prostate massager puts pressure on the prostate, enhancing pleasure.
Some men can experience multiple orgasms by playing with the P-spot, so it's well worth exploring.
He may not feel ready to bring up his love for ass-play yet. It's not impossible that he's worried you'll think it makes him gay or somehow less masculine. Perhaps he's brought it up with a former lover who didn't handle it well... Or maybe he's just very private about it.
What to do next?
You have a few options, and we'd say to consider carefully before deciding what to do next.
- Pretend you haven't seen the butt plug.
- Admit to coming across it and asking about it.
- Bring up anal play in a safe, supportive atmosphere.
It might be tricky to keep the secret, but pretending you haven't seen the butt plug allows him to keep his privacy. This might mean he never brings it up, or at least keeps it quiet until he feels ready to share his inner-most desires with you.
You don't mention why you were looking in his bedside drawer. If you had a good reason to look through his belongings (reaching in for a condom, for example), you could bring up the butt plug. If your intentions were less than pure, owning up to snooping through his drawer may feel awkward and will likely feel weird for him too.
Bringing it up without judgment allows him to share his turn-ons with you. For example, you could mention that you are curious about anal play (if you are) and into exploring it with him. You could suggest shopping for an anal sex toy together. This may be all the encouragement he needs.
We can't guess how he will react - it depends on how comfortable he is with sharing his secret desires. He may be trying to find a way of bringing it up so you can explore anal pleasure together, but equally possible wants to keep his love for P-spot stimulation private. How would you feel about that?
We hope our reply encourages you to examine your thoughts on sexuality and different ways to experience pleasure. It's possible that finding the butt plug is the beginning of new sexy adventures for you both!
Team Sh xx