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Q&A: I Have Never Had An Orgasm - Can You Help?

Q&A: I haven't yet had an orgasm - can you help?


I was wondering if you could advise me on what toy(s) might be good for someone who has never had an orgasm? I have used a rabbit vibrator and a wand vibrator in the past but I tend to 'peak' before reaching orgasm and it feels too intense and becomes uncomfortable to continue. I'm not sure if this means I have a sensitive clitoris or if I just haven't found what's right for me yet!

Thank you in advance, all the best x

Hello there, many thanks for getting in touch!

This is a very common question, one that we hear time and time again. Clitorises are *very* sensitive and can easily become overstimulated, which is incredibly frustrating when you'd love nothing more than getting your clit to sparkle.


Lube is your best friend in this situation. A dry finger or vibe rubbing on the clit can feel uncomfortable, so adding a drizzle of the slippery stuff helps avoid painful friction on your pleasure pearl. With an estimated 10.000+ nerve-ending sitting on top of it, you really want to treat it with TLC.

We recommend starting off playing just with fingers and lube. It takes time to fill the clitoral bulbs with blood, so don't rush it. Listing to audio erotica or watching some ethical porn helps keep your mind in the game, as well as providing some distraction from being too focused on the end goal.

You could try using an arousal gel on and around the clitoris. This helps with blood flow to the area, and it helps build arousal too. We have a great Clit & G-spot kit with 5 of our favorite enhancing gels and serums to try.

Arousal gels can be used at the same time as lubes, so one won't cancel out the other. All you need is a drop or two massaged into the tissue around the clitoris, and you'll soon feel the thrilling benefits of the additional blood flow.

Once you feel really turned on, it's time to introduce a good vibrator.

Seeing as you already have a wand, it's worth trying it in different ways. You can use it on top of your panties or through a towel to soften the vibrations. You could also experiment with vibrations used on the lower part of your stomach or just above the vulva, rather than directly on the clitoris. Wands are incredibly strong with deep, rumbly vibrations. Direct contact often feels overwhelming.

Cordless Wand vibrtor in purple

Another really good tip is to squeeze and release your pelvic floor in time with strokes, like doing kegel exercises whilst masturbating. An orgasm is a series of involuntary squeezes of the pelvic floor, so squeezing and releasing will help an orgasm along. This can help turn 'never had an orgasm' into having regular orgasms!

Happy Hour on Your Clit Clock

Most vulva-owners have what we like to call their 'Happy Hour on the clit clock.'

As small as your clitoris is, there are one or two spots that respond better to stimulation than any other part of your little jewel. Imagine that the clitoris is a clock face with 12 at the top and 6 at the bottom. Many womxn say that 10-11 or 1-2 are their most sensitive spots, but your most sensitive spot could be 5 or 8.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to pleasure but by working out when your personal Happy Hour is, you are well on your way to having an orgasm. Slowly work your way around the sides of the clit, and you'll find one or two spots that respond better to stimulation - that's your Happy Hour.

Bunny Ears for Clitoral Stimulation

Rabbit vibrators can be rather intense and they're not for everyone. Many of our customers say they use the rabbit ears for clitoral stimulation, but they don't use the shaft, rendering a big part of the toy useless for them.

The bunny ears are the magical part; they tease and tickle the sides of the clitoris rather than the tip. It's possible that the rabbit vibe you have tried is too feisty for you, and that a gentler version might work better.

The Tiny Teaser Bunny is a rechargeable clit vibe with 3 speeds. It's small, cute, and not overly strong. The bunny ears can be used to stroke on and around the clit and vulva. Start off on the gentlest setting and work up to full power as your body lets you know it wants more.

small pink bunny vibrator

If you have a question for us, please email us at Questions may be used on our blog - anonymous, of course - but you'll also get a private reply.

More orgasm advice here!


I am 42 years old and I have 3 children. I have always loved sex and to be touched, but I too don’t know how to have an orgasm. My partners give up. I’ve used several toys but still don’t achieve that aaaaahhhhhh feeling. Help me

Sheavon Trenkler

We are here to help! Not being able to orgasm affects around 10% of women – so it’s not uncommon, despite what movies and magazines would have us believe!

We’ve created a learning to orgasm class It aims to empower and normalise and teaches solo techniques and practical tips to help pre-orgasmic women become orgasmic. Once you can feel confident that your body will respond orgasmically (‘aaaaahhhhhhh!;) with the right kind of physical and mental stimulation, it’s just a case of teaching your partner(s)…

We’d also recommend trying a sucking vibrator – a new kind of sex toy that delivers vacuum stimulation that the clitoris finds very hard resist – many, many women report back that suction vibrators quite literally suck an orgasm out of them!

Good luck and do feel free to hop on our chatbox if you’d like any more help/advice.

Team Sh! xx

Team Sh!

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