Hi, guys.

Aside from the near-constant exhaustion, the hot flushes, and the odd bout of anxiety, the biggest casualty of my life as a 49-year-old menopausal mother has been my sexual relationship with my husband.

When I do feel remotely interested, the actual act itself is much more uncomfortable, even with lube, and it takes me so long to get to orgasm, I should pack sandwiches for the trip! Having never used sex toys before ('cos we never had to, once upon a time) a quick Googling threw up the idea of vibrators possibly alleviating not just the sexual dysfunction, but other issues with menopause as well!

But... I have no idea where to start. So... Help! I need a vibrator that is good for a novice, gentle enough for internal use against ageing tissue, but won't cost me the family food budget for a fortnight!

Thanks for your help with this.

Hello there,

Many thanks for your email. This is a common complaint, much more common than you may think.

The trouble with sex & menopause is that it's not talked about enough.

But we're working hard to change that!

We're happy to hear you’re using lube already. Far too many women and couples shy away from additional moisture, which is a real shame. Lube is essential for comfortable and sensual sex, whatever your age.

The type of lube you use can make a difference, so it is crucial to pick one that suits your needs. We’d suggest trying a thicker lube or a silicone lube.

A thick water-based lube adds a nicely padded layer between vagina and finger, penis or sex toy, reducing discomfort and pain. However, water-based lube evaporates after a while. When this happens, you can easily reactivate it with a drop of water or some saliva.

A silicone-based lube adds an oily, long-lasting layer to delicate vaginal membranes, keeping things slippery for as long as needed. Silicone-based lube stays in place until you wash it off with soap & water.

Either one of these two types could make a difference in your comfort during sex.

Low Libido During Menopause

There are a few different things to try for low libido. Reading erotica, watching a sexy film or listening to arousing podcasts are great ways of building heat while relaxing at the same time.

During and post-menopause, you may need more stimulation to become aroused or reach orgasm.

Decreased blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, coupled with a drop in testosterone and estrogen during menopause, can make it trickier to become turned on and orgasm. This is perfectly normal but incredibly frustrating. Thankfully, there are sex toys and other pleasure products that help with this.

Enhancing products such as pleasure gels can help with blood flow to the vulva and vagina, which in turn will help you feel juicier and more aroused. Apply a small amount of gel and allow a few minutes for the product to work. We have personally tested all the pleasure gels we stock, so we know they work *wink*

Sex Toys for Menopause

Sex toys are exactly what the name suggests: fun toys for sex. People play with toys like vibrators for the exciting sensations they offer, not because something is 'wrong.' Saying that - sex toys can be helpful when it comes to issues such as finding it hard to orgasm. A vibrator can help kickstart a stubborn orgasm, which is obviously good!

There are no sex toys designed specifically for menopausal women. This is great because it means you can choose any toy that appeals to you. The only criteria is that you like the look and the feel of the toy :)

We'd recommend these two types:

Wands for kick-starting low libido in menopause.

Wands are super-powerful and designed for external use. Simply let the wand buzz away on the lower part of your stomach, and you may find that the sleepy nerve endings wake up, and your body will start to feel turned on. This is a great start, as where the body leads, the mind will often follow...

We recommend taking some dedicated 'me-time' to focus on your sensations and pleasure, away from any pressure to ‘perform.' Once you're more confident in your wand-powered libido boost, introduce the wand into playtime with your partner.

Internal Vibrators for Menopause

If you’d like a vibrator for internal use, the thing to know is that as the body goes through menopause, vaginal tissue becomes thinner and less elastic. The vagina becomes shorter and tighter, and this can make penetration painful. For this reason, we recommend a slim vibrator.

Vibrators made from silicone are body-safe and easy to keep clean. Choosing a vibrator with a range of settings will give you the most variety of thrills to explore.

A fabulous vibrator that delivers the pleasure you want doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg – you can get quality sex toys at purse-friendly prices. The Sh! website lets you filter prices to choose a price bracket you're comfortable with.

We hope this helps!

Best Wishes,
Team Sh! xx

Read more sex & menopause advice here.