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Q&A: The menopause is killing my sex life.

Q&A: The menopause is killing my sex life. - Sh! Women's Store

Hi, guys.
Aside from the near-constant exhaustion, the hot flushes, and the odd bout of anxiety, the biggest casualty of my life as a 49-year old menopausal mother has been my sexual relationship with my husband. 

When I do feel remotely interested, the actual act itself is much more uncomfortable, even with lube, and it takes me so long to get to orgasm, I should pack sandwiches for the trip! Having never used sex toys before ('cos we never had to, once upon a time) a quick Googling threw up the idea of vibrators possibly alleviating not just the sexual dysfunction, but other issues with menopause as well! 

But... I have no idea where to start. So... Help! I need a vibrator that is good for a novice, is gentle enough for internal use against ageing tissue, but won't cost me the family food budget for a fortnight!

Thanks for your help with this.

Yours sincerely,


Hello there,

Many thanks for your email. This is a common complaint, much more common than you may think.

The trouble with menopausal issues is that not enough people are talking about them - let' see if we can change that!

We’re pleased to see that you’re using lube already. Many women and couples shy away from additional moisture when, in fact, it’s essential for comfortable, sensual play.

The type of lube you are using can make a difference, so it’s crucial to pick one that suits your needs. We’d suggest trying a thicker lube like our Pure Plus Lube. This lube adds a nicely padded layer to delicate membranes, and you may find that helpful.

There are a few different things to try for low libido. Reading erotica, watching a sexy film or listening to arousing podcasts are great ways of building heat whilst relaxing at the same time. Enhancing products such as pleasure gels or arousal oils can help with blood flow to the vulva and vagina, which in turn will help you feel juicier and more aroused.

Sh! Pure Plus bottle of lube

Sex toys for menopausal women

Sex toys are just what the name suggests, fun toys for sex. Women and couples choose to use them for the exciting additional sensations they offer, not because something is “wrong” although toys can be very helpful when it comes to overcoming some conditions.

There are no toys designed specifically for menopausal folks; you can use any toy you like the look and feel of.

Mini Marvels Bunny Clit Vibe

A super-powerful vibrator like the Sh! Wand is great for women with low libido.

Simply let the wand buzz away on the lower part of your stomach, and you may find that the sleepy nerve-endings wake up, and your body will start to feel turned-on… This is a great start!

And where the body leads, the mind will often follow. This is why we recommend focusing on your own sensations, away from any pressure to ‘perform.'

Cordless Wand vibrator in purpke

Internal vibrators for menopausal women

If you’d like a vibrator for internal use, we have a selection of great vibrators here

As the body goes through menopause, vaginal tissue becomes thinner and less elastic. The vagina becomes shorter and tighter, and this can make penetration painful. For this reason, we recommend a softer, more pliable toy.

Sex toys made from silicone are body-safe and easy to keep clean. Choosing a vibrator with a range of settings will give you the most variety of vibrations to explore.

good vibrator with these qualities needn’t cost the earth – you can absolutely get good quality sex toys at purse-friendly prices.

Mini Pink Vibrator

During and after the menopause, women are likely to need more stimulation to become aroused or reach orgasm.

Less blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, coupled with a drop in testosterone and estrogen, can make it harder to become turned on or orgasm. This is normal but incredibly frustrating. We can't advise on hormone replacement therapy (HRT), but it might be worth making an appointment to discuss it with your GP.

Best Wishes,
Team Sh! xx

All names have been changed for the purposes of anonymity.

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