Just like heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, asexuality is a valid sexual orientation. People who are asexual experience little to no sexual attraction to others. In its simplest form, that’s what asexuality is - although, like all orientations, individual experiences can vary.
Asexuality is not the same as celibacy or abstinence. Celibacy and abstinence are choices about sexual behaviour, whereas asexuality is about attraction. An asexual person is not asexual because they have "chosen not to have sex," because they "haven't met the right person," or because of a hormonal imbalance or medical condition. Sexual orientation is not something a person chooses, and asexuality is a natural variation of human sexuality.
People of all genders can identify as asexual. Asexual individuals come from every ethnic, cultural, religious, and social background, and there is no particular "look" or personality type associated with being Ace.
Researchers estimate that around 1% of the population identifies as asexual, although the true number may be higher as awareness and understanding continue to grow. With billions of people in the world, that means millions of individuals identify somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Many asexual people affectionately refer to themselves as "Aces" and participate in vibrant online and offline communities that provide support, friendship, education, and advocacy. These communities also work to increase visibility and understanding of asexuality both within society as a whole and within the wider LGBT+ community.
Importantly, there is no single way to be an Ace. Asexuality is often described as an umbrella term that encompasses a diverse range of experiences and identities. Some asexual people may experience romantic attraction, while others may not. Some may occasionally experience sexual attraction under specific circumstances, while others never do. Because the asexual spectrum is so broad and nuanced, misconceptions and misunderstandings are common.
In this article, we'll explore what it means to be asexual, challenge some of the most common myths surrounding asexuality, and celebrate the diversity of experiences that exist within the Ace community.
Myth: Asexuals never have sex
False.
One of the most common misconceptions about asexuality is that asexual people never have sex. While some asexual individuals choose not to engage in sexual activity, many do - and that doesn't make them any less asexual.
Asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction, not by a person's behaviour. Just as people can choose whether or not to have sex regardless of their sexual orientation, asexual people have a wide range of relationships with sex and intimacy.
Many asexual people date, fall in love, get married, and even have children. Some enjoy physical intimacy, while others don't. Some masturbate, some have sex with a partner, and some have little or no interest in sexual activity at all. There is no single "correct" way to be asexual.
For people unfamiliar with asexuality, this can seem confusing at first. However, sexual attraction and sexual behaviour are not the same thing. A person does not need to experience sexual attraction to enjoy physical pleasure, express affection, satisfy a partner, conceive children, or maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
The asexual spectrum is incredibly diverse. Some asexual people are sex-favourable and may actively enjoy sex. Others are sex-indifferent, meaning they neither seek it out nor avoid it. Some are sex-repulsed and have no desire to engage in sexual activity whatsoever. All of these experiences are valid.
Intimacy can also take many forms beyond sex. For some asexual people, emotional closeness, deep conversation, cuddling, hand-holding, or other forms of affection are far more meaningful expressions of connection. In fact, the humble slice of cake has become a beloved symbol within the asexual community, inspired by the tongue-in-cheek idea that "cake is better than sex."
The key takeaway? Being asexual doesn't tell you whether someone has sex - it only tells you about their experience of sexual attraction. When it comes to intimacy and relationships, the same rule applies to asexual people as it does to everyone else: some do, some don't.
Myth: Asexual people don’t have romantic relationships
False.
Another widespread myth is that asexual people are incapable of falling in love or having meaningful romantic relationships. In reality, many asexual people experience romantic attraction and enjoy deep, loving, and fulfilling relationships with their partners.
This misconception often arises because many people assume that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are the same thing. While they can occur together, they are not synonymous. For many asexual people, romantic attraction exists independently of sexual attraction. They may want to date, form emotional bonds, build a life with someone, or express affection and commitment - without experiencing sexual attraction toward that person.
Just as there is no single way to experience sexuality, there is no single way to experience romance. Many asexual people form long-term relationships, get married, and create families. Others may prefer casual dating, queerplatonic relationships, or different forms of emotional intimacy. Their relationships are just as genuine and meaningful as anyone else’s.
Because romantic attraction and sexual attraction can operate separately, many people within the asexual community use additional labels to describe their romantic orientation. For example, someone may identify as:
- Heteroromantic – romantically attracted to people of a different gender.
- Homoromantic – romantically attracted to people of the same gender.
- Biromantic or Panromantic – romantically attracted to people of multiple or all genders.
- Aromantic – experiencing little or no romantic attraction to others.
It’s important to note that being aromantic is not the same as being asexual. While some people identify as both aromantic and asexual, others may identify as one but not the other.
You may also encounter terms such as graysexual (sometimes shortened to “gray-A”), which generally describes people who experience sexual attraction rarely, weakly, or only under specific circumstances. Related identities, such as demisexual, also fall within the broader asexual spectrum and reflect the wide variety of ways people experience attraction.
The asexual umbrella includes many identities and experiences, and not everyone feels the need to use labels beyond “asexual.” For some, these terms provide a helpful way to describe their experiences and connect with others. For others, they are unnecessary. Both approaches are equally valid.
The most important thing to remember is that asexuality does not determine whether someone can love, date, form relationships, or experience romance. Like everyone else, asexual people have diverse desires, identities, and ways of connecting with others - and all of them deserve understanding and respect.
Could you be asexual?
If you’ve found yourself relating to some of the experiences described in this article, you may be wondering whether you could be asexual.
The truth is that there is no definitive test for asexuality. Because the asexual spectrum is broad and diverse, everyone’s experience is unique. Some people know from a young age that they don’t experience sexual attraction, while others take years to find a label that feels right. For many, discovering asexuality can be a powerful moment of self-understanding; for others, it may simply be one of many ways to describe their experiences.
It is also important to remember that sexual attraction, libido, and sexual behaviour are not the same thing. A person can have a sex drive and still be asexual. Likewise, someone can have little interest in sex without necessarily identifying as asexual. The key factor is whether or not you experience sexual attraction.
While no checklist can tell you your sexual orientation, the following questions may help you reflect on your own experiences:
- Do you rarely or never feel sexually attracted to other people?
- Do you find it difficult to relate when friends talk about experiencing sexual attraction?
- Have you ever felt as though you were expected to be attracted to someone, even when you weren’t?
- Do romantic relationships appeal to you more than sexual relationships, or vice versa?
- If you’ve had sexual experiences, did they feel less important or meaningful to you than they seem to for others?
- Have you ever wondered whether your experiences with attraction are different from those of your peers?
Answering “yes” to one or more of these questions does not necessarily mean that you are asexual, but it may be worth exploring the possibility further. Reading about asexuality, connecting with members of the ace community, or simply taking time to reflect on your feelings can help you better understand yourself.
Most importantly, there is no rush to find the “perfect” label. Whether you identify as asexual, graysexual, demisexual, allosexual, or choose not to use a label at all, your experiences are valid. Sexuality is personal, and only you get to decide which words best describe you.
And if, along the way, you discover a fondness for cake, you’ll be in good company xx
