Content note: This article discusses rape, sexual assault and victim-blaming. Support information is included below.
Originally written in response to the debate around Chrissie Hynde’s comments in 2015. Updated October 2026.
When Chrissie Hynde’s comments about rape prompted a backlash in 2015, some responses became personal and abusive. At the time, we wanted to ask:
How do we challenge victim-blaming without directing more cruelty towards someone who has experienced sexual violence?
We still think that question matters.
Having experienced sexual violence doesn’t put someone’s views beyond criticism. Comments that suggest a person’s clothing, drinking or behaviour makes them responsible for an assault deserve to be challenged. But criticism does not need to become misogynistic abuse or public humiliation.
We can reject harmful ideas and treat the person expressing them with dignity. Nobody has to say all the “right” things to deserve compassion.
The messages we’re taught can stay with us
“Don’t wear that.” “Don’t get drunk.” “Don’t walk home alone.”
Many women will recognise these warnings. They may have been offered with care, but they can carry another message: if something happens, you should have prevented it.
When those messages are repeated, it can be difficult to separate what someone did to you from what you think you should have done differently.
That is why we need to challenge victim-blaming, including the blame people turn on themselves. Feeling responsible is not the same as being responsible.
The responsibility for sexual violence lies with the person who causes it.
Taking precautions does not make you responsible
You are allowed to make choices that help you feel safer. You are also entitled to safety and respect when you haven’t taken a particular precaution.
What you wore, where you went, whether you drank, whether you flirted or whether you had sex with someone before does not give them permission to assault you.
Support should never depend on proving that you were careful enough.
Consent means having a choice
Consent means agreeing to sexual activity by choice, with the freedom and capacity to make that choice. That agreement needs to be there throughout.
You can change your mind. You can want one thing and not another. Being in a relationship or having had sex with someone before does not mean you agree to sex now.
Silence, freezing or not fighting back is not consent. If someone is asleep, unconscious or too intoxicated to make a meaningful choice, they cannot consent. If you are unsure whether someone wants to continue, stop and check in. Don’t treat uncertainty as permission.
Teaching consent needs to go beyond “no means no”. From childhood, we can teach respect for boundaries: asking before touching, accepting someone’s refusal and understanding that nobody owes us access to their body. As young people grow, those conversations need to include sexual consent, pressure and the freedom to change your mind.
There isn’t one correct way to respond to fear
Some people fight or run. Others freeze, go quiet or try to appease the person frightening them. These can be automatic responses to danger.
You do not have to have shouted, struggled or said no in a particular way for what happened to matter. Going along with something out of fear is not the same as freely choosing it.
Some people only make sense of what happened later. You don’t have to understand everything straight away to deserve support.
Listen without putting someone on trial
If someone tells you they have experienced sexual violence, start by listening.
“I believe you.” “It wasn’t your fault.” “What would help you right now?”
Let them decide how much they want to share. Avoid questions that ask them to justify what they wore, drank or did. Offer support without pressuring them to report or deciding their next steps for them.
Compassion should not depend on how clearly someone tells their story, whether they report it or whether they still blame themselves.
A note about Café V
Some readers may remember Café V, which we founded and facilitated alongside My Body Back Project. It offered a space for women who had experienced sexual assault and felt ready to explore reconnecting with their bodies and pleasure.
We no longer have a bricks-and-mortar shop or a space for Café V. Those sessions are part of our history, rather than a current service - though we'd love to be able to bring Cafe V back. [Do you have a free, safe space in London? Get in touch!] But we still have a voice, and we want to use it for more than selling you things. Making room for conversations about consent, care and being believed remains part of Sh!
If you need someone to listen
Rape Crisis England & Wales offers free, confidential support, 24 hours a day, for anyone aged 16+ in England and Wales affected by sexual violence.
Call 0808 500 2222 or start an online chat.
You can seek support whether something happened recently or years ago, and whether or not you have reported it. You can also reach out if you’re unsure what happened.
This is not an emergency service. If you are in immediate danger or need emergency medical help, call 999.
Whatever you are carrying, you deserve to be listened to and supported. Even if part of you still thinks it was your fault.
