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Cafe V - Writing Your Own Sex Fantasy

Cafe V - Writing Your Own Sex Fantasy - Sh! Women's Store
Reading erotica and watching porn can be fun, sexy and empowering activities. But sometimes, when doing those things, you might come across words and scenes that are downright unsexy and triggering - and before you know it, the relaxing evening you had in mind has upped and left the building.
It happens. A lot. Maybe you download a new book or what seems to be a hot online scene, but a few minutes in, you can tell it's just not for you. The writing is terrible, the conversation stilted or the porn actor is wearing socks whilst the "orgasming" actress can't wait to clock off... (Should that be "cock off"?)
What if you could make up your very own fantasy, precisely to your own perfecting specifications?
Children have amazing imaginations, as do authors (they make up stuff all day long!). Over time, we learn to not spend so much time fantasizing (unless you're a writer, of course) because there are so many other things we need to spend time on (adulting, for example) until one day, we come to realize we have forgotten how to fantasize - usually when the two year old niece wants to play tea party and you have to pretend to be the Queen, drinking from an imaginary tea cup. It's much harder than it sounds.

Creating a Sex Fantasy

Creating a fantasy is lots of fun, but it can be tricky to get started. It's easy to censor oneself, but it's important to let the mind wander as freely as possible. It may come up with the most amazing story if only you let it!
You may think that you're not very creative and writing a sexy fantasy sounds too hard, but it doesn't have to be. Break it down into small bite-size pieces and you may find the story starts writing itself. Starting at any one point is absolutely fine - you can easily build a sexy scenario around a name, or a word, or a sentence.
I recently did this exercise myself and I was absolutely stuck for words, until I started to think about the smells around me. In my fantasy, the strongest scent was of light summer rain, making everything smell green and fresh with a light hint of summer flowers. The fantasy took on its own life after that.

Smell Your Way Around

Scent memory is incredibly strong and we all have certain every day scents that we prefer. A quick poll in the Sh! Office brought up the following favorite scents:
  • Cinnamon - baking
  • Vanilla - warm and inviting
  • Strawberries - summer
  • Cotton - clean
  • Rain - fresh
  • Forest - after the rain
  • Fresh bread - tempting
These are just a few smells that may invoke feelings and memories. Thinking about how your fantasy smells is a great start and will give you plenty to work with.

Location, Location, Location

Where does your fantasy take place? Are you indoors? Outdoors? Let your inner eye take a panoramic look around - what can you see? Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
  • 5-star hotel - luxurious
  • Beach - relaxing
  • Home - comfortable
  • Jungle - adventurous
  • Big Brother House - voyeuristic
Look a little closer at the location. If you are at a 5-star hotel; what can you see? The pool? The bar? Are there waiters and waitresses milling about? What are they wearing? Where are you in this fantasy? Are you laid out on a sun lounger with a cocktail in your hand, or are you sitting in the shade, watching as the scene unfolds?
In my fantasy, the light summer rain took me to the seaside in Sweden. There was a lot of happy, barefoot people around, chilling out and singing along to the music. I didn't know this was my fantasy until my brain shaped it.

The Cast

This is your fantasy and you are the casting director. You can cast yourself in the leading roll or if you prefer, you can cast other people in the roles and allow yourself to concentrate on directing the scene.
why-adviceWho is there? Is it a woman, or a man, or maybe one of each - maybe there are several roles? Maybe it's just the one person? Or an alien! Coz, you know, it's your fantasy. You can make it into whatever you want it to be.
What are they wearing? Are they wearing clothes, or maybe towels? Or are they naked? Think about materials, and colours, and how it would feel to touch those materials. Is it silky? Velvety? The softness of well-worn denim... Or a sarong - easy to remove! Whatever you want them to wear is exactly what they will be wearing.
Are they talking? If so, what are they talking about? Are they flirting or is it more of an every day conversation? Are they complimenting each other? Using positive language and descriptive, sensual words are helpful when creating your fantasy.
  • Lushious
  • Voluptuous
  • Exciting
  • Sultry
  • Thrilling

Time of Day

This can make a big difference to what the characters are doing. Are they at work? Or in a night club? Ar they wide awake or sleepy? Feeling sleepy makes for great, languid sex whilst being wide awake could be more about bouncing around on the furniture. Is the sun going up, or is twilight settling in?
You could be even more specific: it could be lunch time or cocktail hour. Ordering a sandwich in the delicatessen around the corner could be a part of the fantasy: eyes meet over the deli counter, rude thoughts about fresh baguettes...

Is Anyone Having Sex?

Just because you're building a sexual fantasy doesn't mean there has to be sex right now. Maybe they are just cuddling.  Or sitting next to each other. Maybe there is eye contact or coy flirting. Maybe there is touching, but no sex. The almost-touching-but-not-touching can be incredibly sexy. This is your fantasy - there is no sex until you say so.
But - if there is sex; what kind of sex is it?
  • Romantic
  • "Dirty"
  • Vocal
  • Quiet
  • Tame
  • Wild
advice-couples1Are they in a certain position, or using sex toys? If so, why this particular position or sex toy? Is it their favorite position, or are they trying out something new? Is the sex explicit, or is it a gentler, more emotionally involved fantasy?

What are their orgasms like?

Well, in the fantasy they'll be having fantastic orgasms, we suspect. Describe how it feels, how the bodies move, if their eyes are open or closed... All these seemingly small details adds up to one heck of a juicy story!
And, what about after-play? Are they cuddling, kissing or just snoozing? Great sex has a habit of making people ravenous, so maybe there needs to be snacks... Biting into a ripe pear can be seductive, or drizzling honey on fresh bread has the potential to result in more fun on the kitchen counter.

Using these prompts will help you to create your very own sex fantasy to enjoy. Writing it out on fancy paper, in a diary or printing it out are great ways of keeping your personal sex fantasy handy for those moments when you want a little extra to get your juices flowing.

Before we start, we'd like to highlight that some readers may feel triggered by the paragraphs below. If this is the case, please stop reading and practice self-care. Maybe have a cup of tea or phone a friend - or both! You can always come back to this part at a later point if you want to.

Rape Fantasies

Rape fantasies are very common, but can feel unsettling and plain "wrong". This goes for survivors, but also for women who have not been assaulted. A person experiencing rape fantasies might feel it goes against core values,  feminist perspectives or equality within relationships, and it's not unusual for the person to end up feeling disgusted by their fantasies.
Many survivors use rape fantasies as a way of working through their traumatic experiences. It can be a way of controlling the situation and changing the outcome - turning into one the mind is able to cope with.
For others, it's purely sexual. The thought of rough sex can be a massive turn on and being taken passionately against one's will can easily be romanticized.

It's not uncommon for women to feel concerned and ashamed about their violent sex fantasies, as if they somehow are "asking" to be raped. It's important to understand and accept that this is not the case. There is a *vast* difference between creating and enjoying a fantasy in ones own mind, and actually being sexually assaulted.

In a fantasy, you have all power and control. You decided when, how and who. You decide what they look like, how they smell and what they do. In a fantasy, you are in charge of every single move.
In a real life situation, everything that happens is out of your control. That's why it's non-consensual; you have not consented to having sex with that particular person at that particular time at that particular place in that particular position.
If your rape fantasies are bothering you, it could be a good idea to speak to a psychosexual therapist. They will be able to help you unravel unsettling thoughts, and perhaps help direct them in ways that you feel more comfortable with.
There is nothing wrong with having rape fantasies, if you enjoy them. Many people do. Don't shame or judge yourself or someone else for it. It doesn't mean that you'd want your fantasy to happen in real life.
Any fantasy, including rape scenarios, can be exciting and thrilling, and can add layers of pleasure to solo or partnered play.
Whatever your fantasy is it can be exciting to explore your desires in a totally safe and controlled way. This can be important in helping your to re-explore your sexual life.

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