If you've not yet taken time to explore self-love, it's high time to lock the door, pull the curtains and switch off your phone...
Masturbation can sometimes be seen as jeuvenile, indulgent, or something that only 'sad' or single people do.
Let's erase those thoughts right now.
It can be intimidating to hear about the great sex 'other people' are having, especially if you believe you are the only one who's not experiencing regular fireworks or squirt-fests.
We meet many women who believe something is 'wrong' with them for this exact reason. There really isn't - for women, having an orgasm is often a learned thing, like riding a bike. It's tricky, but once you get the hang of it, it's bloody marvellous!
Growing up, boys are expected to be sexually curious, and their sexuality is celebrated. A father might congratulate himself when his teenage son is caught masturbating, thinking 'that's my boy, he takes after me!'
If a teenage girl is found with her hands down her pants, it's not unlikely she'll receive a hissed 'what are you doing, stop that!' followed by a shocked or disgusted look from her mother.
It can be incredibly hard to smash the shame many of us have had instilled from an early age: Masturbation is not 'nice' and we 'shouldn't be doing that.'
No wonder it's hard to erase the shame, and relax enough to have orgasms!
For many of us, masturbation teaches us how to have orgasms.
How to Masturbate
Starting with just your fingers - because they are fantastic sex toys - and a little lube is the best way. Your fingers have an immediate feel and translate the sensations into tiny messages for your brain: soft, coarse, wet and so on. Feel your way around, feel the folds, the texture of your labia and the slickness as your body gets more turned on.
If you feel comfortable, why not grab a mirror and have a look as well? Colours and shapes change as the body becomes aroused, which can be damn exciting!
Your vulva and vagina are unique, just like the rest of you.
Masturbation Tip: Happy Hour
Your clitoris has a mind-blowing 10k+ nerve-endings sitting atop it, and this is where things can get tricky. If stimulated the wrong way, the clit gets too sensitive and pleasure runs screaming from the room.
Vulva owners have what we like to call their 'Happy Hour'
Imagine that the clitoris is a clock face (the Clit Face). Many women say that 10-11 or 1-2 are their most sensitive spots. As small as your (external) clitoris is, there are one or two spots that respond better to stimulation than any other part of your little jewel, and by working out when your personal Happy Hour is, you are well on your way to having an orgasm.
Masturbation Tip: Squeeze & Release!
It's important to keep your pelvic floor in good shape - do your kegels as often as you can; in the bus queue, during dull meetings and whilst watching telly of an evening.
Keeping your pelvic floor toned has a number of health benefits which we're sure you already know about, but did you know it can help you orgasm too?
An orgasm is a series of involuntary rhythmic contractions of the vagina, and a having a strong pelvic floor can be helpful.
Whilst you're jiggling your jewel in all manner of wonderful ways, try squeezing your PC muscle in time. It's what the wonderful Betty Dodson called "fucking forward" - simultaneously stroke, push forward with your hips and clench.
Vibrators for Masturbation
Vibrators are notoriously reliable when it comes to producing orgasms, hence their popularity. But if you've ever had a vibrator and it didn't work for you, there could be good reasons for that:
1. The Wrong Kind of VibratorThere are a few types of vibes to choose from:
- Clitoral vibrators - these are typically small and not designed to be used internally. They usually offer a high-pitched buzz.
- G-spot vibrators - a shaft with a pronounced curve or bump at the tip, designed to be enjoyed internally. G-spot vibes often deliver rumblier vibrations.
- Rabbit vibrators - a dual stimulating-type toy, they have a shaft for internal pleasure combined with a clitoral tickler.
- Wand vibrators - these tend to be large in size (rest assured, they are not for insertion) and offers deep rumbles that shakes you to the bone.
- Clit suction vibrators - these are the cool new kids on the block. They create a gentle vacuum and mimic oral sex for stunning sensations.
2. The Wrong Kind of Vibration
Vibrators tend to fall in two categories: high-pitch or low & rumbly. These feel different and we find that women often fall into one of two camps: you need either a high-itched vibe for buzzy thrills, or deep vibrations for rumbly excitement.
The wrong type of vibration could be what isn't working for you. If you've had a bullet vibe for example, and it produced nothing but boredom, try something with a heavier vibration.
3. Not Enough Time
Vibrators are fantastic at multi-tasking, but it would be wrong to assume they magically know what your preferences are. You need to work with the vibe; try different positions, different settings and different speeds.
If you have a waterproof toy, you might like to try it in the shower or bath. And give yourself plenty of time. Learning how to have an orgasm can take a fair bit of time, a full hour of exploration and stimulation is not unusual. As you get to know your body and its particular likes & dislikes, you'll be able to cut this time down if you want to.
There is no such thing as a 'normal' length of time to have an orgasm. There are a number of things to consider for each and every orgasm achieved: Level of arousal, how relaxed you're feeling, if fingers or a vibe is being used... All of those things matter when it comes to your pleasure.
Some women can orgasm very quickly, others need more time. There are no rights or wrongs, just remember it's not a race.
The Wetter the Better
We are firm believers in using lube, whether you are using sex toys or not, or whether you are usually plenty wet. Lube enhances sensations and you may find it makes everything so much more comfortable. There are many different types of lube to try, but you can never go wrong with a paraben-free, water-based lube as it is unlikely to cause irritation.
For fancy occasions you might like to switch it up with flavours, warming or tingling options, but if your peach is sensitive, it's always best to opt for a plainer lubricant with as few ingredients as possible.
Once you start having orgasms, you'll likely find they are easier to come by. It's about finding out what works for you - this may mean a good vibe, a certain position or maybe downloadable clips featuring your favourite type of fantasy or porn. As long as you're having a great time, it's all good.
Masturbation is About Pleasure
Masturbation is about pleasure - YOUR pleasure. You can take as much or as little time as you want or need, and you spend that time wisely: on yourself. Not having to worry about a partner's pleasure can be incredibly liberating. We spend so much time worrying about whether other people are having a great time, we forget or ignore our own wants and needs.
Masturbation reminds us that our pleasure matter too!